Fun At The Mansion
by Biohazrd23
Summary: A parody of the first Resident Evil game, Chris is now a braindead baby, Barry has short-term memory loss, Rebecca is now a PO'ed feminist and Wesker is trying desperately not to reveal his plans.
1. Prologue

**Fun at the Mansion (A Resident Evil Parody)**

**Hey guys this is the prologue of my first Resident Evil parody. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil or anything associated with Resident Evil.**

**I really want to know what you think so feel free to tell me anything about what you think about my story, tell me if it should be crazier, or less crazy, etc. Ok, so here you go.**

**PROLOGUE**

**July 24 1998 S.T.A.R.S. Headquarters, Raccoon Police Department**

Albert Wesker walked down the busy hallways of the RPD, quietly singing to himself,  
"_I am handsome and I am cool, I've got cool blonde hair that makes Barry Burton drool." _ Over and over again. He arrived at the door of the S.T.A.R.S. briefing room and opened it. Jill Valentine, Chris Redfield, Barry Burton, Joseph Frost and Brad Vickers were waiting inside.

"So then I was like, 'No Jill, how 'bout YOU go faster?'" exclaimed Joseph, talking to Chris.

Chris laughed quietly as he was used to Joseph lying about his sex life. Jill overheard from across the room and rolled her eyes. She was used to it to.

As they saw Wesker walk to the front of the room they fell silent and focused on him.

Wesker stood still in the front of the room and took his dark glasses off dramatically like David Caruso in CSI Miami.

"Tragic, yet amusing news, team. A short time ago, Bravo Team mysteriously lost contact with us during their investigation into those strange reports of cannibalism in the Arklay mountains. So, we need someone to clean to clean up their mess. Now, naturally, I, being a wonderful team leader have volunteered you all for this extremely deadly assignment, you will all be surely killed, and If you don't, I will be extremely disappointed with all of you. Find out what happened to Bravo team, find out what is causing the horrific deaths of people in that area, and if you have time, pick up my dry cleaning."

Alpha Team exchanged confused and terrified looks, except Chris.

"This'll be FUN!" He shouted. Alpha team turned and stared at him, worried about his mental state.

30 minutes later, Alpha team were flying over Raccoon Forest in their helicopter flown by Brad.

Wesker began quietly singing his song again as Chris kept constantly trying to feel up Jill. Barry looked out the window and saw the fiery wreckage of Bravo Teams helicopter in the middle of a small clearing.

"Look! Bravo Teams helicopter!" Exclaimed Barry. "Brad, land over there!" Shouted Joseph.

Brad landed the helicopter and Alpha team got out. "Brad, why did you have to land so far away from Bravo Teams 'copter?" Said Jill.

After a short walk, Alpha Team started investigating the wreckage of Bravo Teams crashed helicopter. Joseph searched around in the long grass and saw a small figure. He called out and slowly, and dramatically picked up the severed hand of the Bravo Team helicopter pilot. He screamed and dropped it when all of a sudden a growl was heard from behind him. Wesker suddenly put a smile on his face as a ferocious, blood-soaked dog leapt out from behind Joseph and tackled him to the ground, violently shredding his face off.

Several more growls were heard from behind Jill as Wesker started running towards a nearby mansion. Barry soon followed, along with Jill. Meanwhile, Brad Vickers, the ever-so courageous Alpha Team member immediately turned on the helicopter and flew away as soon as he heard the first growl. Chris stayed behind to watch Joseph get mauled to pieces. Jill ran back and grabbed Chris's arm and ran towards the mansion.

When she managed to get to the mansion, which was a difficult endeavour due to Chris constantly screaming "I want to go back, I want to go back!", she saw Barry and Wesker waiting in the huge main hall talking about cupcakes and acting as if they hadn't just been attacked by rabid dogs.


	2. First Encounter

Fun At The Mansion  
A Resident Evil Parody  
Chapter 1

Authors Note  
Ok, I promised you guys that I would complete the prologue AND the first two chapters of the story before I stop for a while and see how the reviews go. Now I know the prologue was short, but that's because it was a prologue, duh. I will try to make the chapters from now on longer and have not so large paragraphs. The prologue was only a pathetic 668 words so I really do need to make it longer. Anyway please review and tell me what you think, where I can make improvements, should I make it more random or more serious. Ok, so here it is, enjoy.

-Biohazrd23

* * *

"Cupcakes really are exceptionally captivating when you think about it. I mean there are so many different - Oh hey Jill, where have you been?" Asked Albert Wesker as he saw Jill and Chris stumble through the front doors.

"Wesker, what the hell! We almost got killed out there and you're in here talking about cupcakes!" Screamed Jill.

"I like cupcakes." Stated Barry.

"Shut up with the goddamn cupcakes!"

"What? It's not like anything interesting is happening outside. Anyway, we're stuck in this huge mansion with no communication with the outside world, our pilot lived up to his reputation of being a 'chicken heart' and worst of all... only one of you have died, come on I expect better than that." Explained Wesker.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Nothing. I just thought my highly trained, highly experienced professional squad would have died by now, I'm sorry if I believed in you!"

All of a sudden a loud gunshot cut off Wesker's voice.

"Chris, go check it out," said Wesker

"Ok" Said Chris as he started walking towards the source of the noise.

"Wait!" Shouted Wesker.

"What?"

"Give me your gun."

Chris gave Wesker his handgun.

"Now you can go." Said Wesker with an evil smile on his face.

* * *

Chris walked slowly through the dining room by himself and as he reached the end of the table he saw a pool of blood.

"I hope this isn't my blood." He said to himself.

Chris left it and walked through a door to the right. He was in a small hallway and heard crunching sounds to his left. He walked a down towards the noise and saw a man bending over what looked like the dead body of a S.T.A.R.S. Bravo team member, with blood splattered all over the walls and making groaning and snarling noises.

"Ugh, get a room you two!" He shouted, and with that, Chris walked out and went back to the hall.

* * *

When Chris got back, Jill, Barry and Wesker were still there, and Barry was talking about cupcakes to himself for no reason again.

"I shouldn't have mentioned cupcakes, now he won't shut up about them!" Shouted Wesker.

"Oh hey Chris, so what did you find?" Asked Jill.

"Oh nothing, just two guys making out."

"Eww, anyway... what's the plan Wesker?"

"Well, Jill, you and Barry go into the dining room, Chris, because I hate you the most, you're gonna go up those stairs all alone, and I'm gonna run away and get to work on the Tyrant." Said Wesker.

"What's the Tyra-"

"JUST DO WHAT I SAID!"

All of a sudden a zombie burst out of the door to their right.

"Oh my god! It's a..." Stuttered Jill.

"ZOMBIE FIGHT!" Yelled Chris, as he grabbed the zombie and threw it at Barry.

Jill panicked and immediately shot the zombie that Chris threw five times in the head.

"Chris! What the hell?"

"For gods sake, just do what I said and stop screwing around!" shouted Wesker.

And with that, Jill and Barry went into the dining room, Chris went upstairs by himself and Wesker waited until they were gone to run upstairs as well.

* * *

Jill and Barry were walking beside the dining room table, Barry was obviously looking for cupcakes and Jill was screaming at the grandfather clock because it was ticking too loud. Suddenly, a life sized statue on the second floor balcony of the dining room fell down and knocked Barry to the ground. Jill turned and as soon as she saw him, she ran around the dining table and helped him up.

Jill looked up to where the statue fell from and saw Wesker standing behind it.

"Damn it! Why won't you guys die?" He shouted.

He walked out of the dining room stomping his feet and muttering to himself.

Once Jill helped Barry up off the floor, Barry stated, "I like statues".

Jill looked at the broken statue and saw a shining blue gem inside the shattered pieces. She picked it up and put it in one of her pockets.

"Who are you?" Barry asked Jill.

"Looks like that hit to the head has given you short term memory loss, well, at least you don't remember how much you like cupcakes."

"I like statues."

"Come on you stupid brain dead baby lets go."

They walked out of the dining room and into the main hall, then into the door on the other side. They were in a small room, the walls lined with paintings and a statue of a woman holding a dish up.

Barry immediately stated that he likes statues, yet again, so Jill instantaneously pulled a painting of the wall and threw it at him.

They walked through the door to the far right and were in an L shaped hallway. Jill slowly walked down and a loud smash coming from behind her caused her to turn around in a panic.

Two of the monster dogs from hell that chased Alpha team outside stood there growling and staring at Jill, blood and flesh dripping from their mouths.

Jill looked at Barry and knew what he was going to say, so she quickly hit him with a vase to knock him out, then without hesitation, fired two bullets into each of the dogs' heads.

"Phew, that was close!" Jill Said, When suddenly, Wesker shouted out from the other side of the window.

"Damn it!" he yelled. He then quickly ran away.

* * *

A/N: So, that's it, sorry for making it short, AGAIN, but it was either upload it now, or wait two more weeks, so whatever. I'd like to thank drivenbyrevenge for encouraging and helping me come up with ideas while I wrote this. Thank you to EVERYONE who reviewed and stay tuned for Chapter 2 which will be completed and uploaded by 6-4-10.

-Biohazrd23


	3. I Like Crimson Heads

**Fun at the Mansion (A Resident Evil Parody)****  
By** **Biohazrd23**

**CHAPTER 2**

**A/N: Hey guys, it's me again, bringing you Chapter 2 of my Resident Evil Parody entitled Fun at the Mansion. I'm still a Fanfic noob and still suffering writers block every two words I type. Now the chapter layout is a little stuffed up so I'm just gonna clear it up. Now, is saying that the prologue is chapter one. I don't know how to fix that and I don't even think I can, so its set out that the prologue is chapter 1, and chapter 1 is chapter 2, quite confusing and annoying. says that this is chapter 3, but let me assure you, THIS IS CHAPTER 2. Anyway, just though I would sort that out and explain to you guys.  
Also, a few reviews had stated that I'm asking for too many reviews too continue. So how about instead of waiting for ten reviews until I post the next chapter, I will just upload one every fortnight or so. But seriously, reviewing is as simple as clicking the link, it's not that hard and I love reviews.  
**

**DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own Resident Evil, or anything affiliated with Resident Evil.**

**-Biohazrd23**

* * *

It was witching hour, the hour when the witches do their witching.

Jill Valentine and Barry Burton had just finished killing two zombified dogs, even though Jill did most of the killing.

Barry had several large swellings on his head from where he was hit by a falling statue, as well as from the times where Jill hit him so he would shut up.

After the pair left the L-shaped hallway where they encountered the mutant puppies from hell, Jill decided to let Barry go off on his own since she couldn't stand his constant comments about what things he likes.

As Barry walked away, Jill could hear him muttering to himself,

"I like sheep."

She shook her head and walked on, down the winding and strange hallway. She encountered several zombified residents of the colossal mansion and killed them easily. She turned and walked into a door. Jill found herself in a small, empty square room with walls made out of concrete and with a timber door on the other side.

She went in the door on the other side of the room and discovered a shotgun on the wall opposite the door.

"This is convenient." Jill thought.

Jill took the shotgun off the hooks holding it up and heard loud mechanical movement behind the wall.

She walked out of the door and back into the small square room.

"Isn't something supposed to happen here?" She said to herself.

Jill waited, but nothing happened, so she just walked out of the door opposite, when she swore she could here Wesker behind the wall shouting and screaming.

"Come on, work you stupid ceiling!" Wesker shouted.

Jill simply ignored Wesker's rant and walked away, she reminded herself that she would just have to get used to Wesker constantly trying to kill her while she was in the mansion.

When Jill continued walking down the hallway, she came across Chris, walking with a limp.

"Chris, what happened, are you okay?" She asked

"Wesker threw a fridge at me." Chris replied.

Jill looked at him strangely, and then asked him if he had found anyone from Bravo Team.

"No, I haven't, I hope they're ok."

"Yeah, me too. By the way, Chris, do you believe in ghosts?"

"Yeah, of course, I have a ghost that lives in my bedroom. He throws pencils at me while I sleep!"

Yet again, Jill worried about Chris's mental health. She told Chris that she needed to keep investigating the mansion and that he also needed to see a good psychiatrist if he ever made it out of this hell hole.

Chris walked off by himself in another direction. Jill decided that it was the best thing to do.

* * *

Barry walked along the large hallways of the huge mansion, muttering to himself about random things he saw and how he likes them.

He turned a corner and saw Albert Wesker killing a zombie.

Wesker heard Barry and turned around far too quickly.

He looked at Barry, and then looked at the zombie, then Barry again, then the zombie again.

"Barry, just stand here for a while."

"How long?"

"Oh, just until this dead zombie turns into a Crimson Head."

"Ok."

Wesker walked away, checking several times behind him to see if the zombie had turned yet.

"What's a Crimson Head?" Barry asked himself, as Wesker strolled away chuckling evilly when he heard Barry.

* * *

Chris wandered around the other side of the mansion, when he heard a female voice behind a door in front of him. He cautiously opened the door and walked in to see Brave Team member Rebecca Chambers reading the latest issue of Feminism Weekly. When she saw Chris, she immediately leapt up from her seat, ran over to him, and sprayed his eyes with a first aid spray.

"I am a woman with rights! NO MEANS NO!" She screamed

"Aah, what the hell?" shrieked Chris.

"I have the right to defend myself as a woman!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Rebecca quickly realised who it was.

"Oh my god, Chris! I'm so sorry! I didn't realise it was you!"

"What the fuck you crazy bitch? Oh god my eyes... actually feel a bit better, thanks."

"I'm so sorry Chris." She said. Rebecca then slapped his left hand and told him to go to the naughty corner for swearing, pointing at a random corner in the room.

"Auntie Jilly wouldn't do that!" He screamed. He then walked over to the corner, sulking.

Rebecca rolled her eyes, as all STARS do when Chris gets like this. She watched as Chris hit his head against the wall.

"Aah, the wall bit me!" He yelled.

"Well, bite the damn thing back!" She retorted, watching Chris trying to bite the wall, and failing miserably.

Rebecca threw her magazine to Chris, before she simply walked out of the room, unable to handle Chris's lack of proper brain function.

* * *

Jill wandered on by herself, thinking about why the STARS handbook states that all STARS members must split up at any sign of danger, and that all STARS must only be equipped with weapons that only give them a very slight chance of survival in case of a disaster. Well, it was written by Wesker after all.

She walked down a set of stairs, went through the door to the left and was in a U-shaped room with paintings on the walls. Crows sat on thick metal bars near the roof, they were almost completely oblivious as to Jill's presence in the room. She walked along, passing the many strange paintings, and came to the end of the U-shaped hallway, there was a single painting on the back wall. Obviously this was one of the mansions many puzzles she had heard of in her briefing of the mission.

"Hmm, now I could try to figure out a logical outcome to the present situation involving perhaps the activation of the buttons under the paintings in the precise order; or..."

Jill tore the end painting off the wall instantly. A small gold medallion fell out of a dent in the wall behind the painting.

"Well then. That was easy."

She walked out of the room, staring at the medallion, ignoring the vicious crows. Jill pocketed it and continued on.

* * *

Barry stared down at the dead zombie on the floor, it was turning red. He got bored and turned around to see if anything was behind him. The zombie leapt up off the floor and ran towards Barry. Barry quickly turned around and fired at the crimsons head. Five magnum rounds took it down slowly. Blood splattered all over his face. He felt his cheek, wiped a bit of blood off it, then proceeded to lick it.

After two minutes of licking the dead crimsons blood off his face, Barry walked away and into a door, leading into a small hallway, the walls were covered in blood. Barry walked down the small corridor and into the door at the end of it.

He was outside, on the first storey balcony, looking out over the forest. He surveyed the area, and saw Bravo team member, Forrest, lying dead against a wall. Crows sat around his dead body, pecking off pieces of flesh from his chest and face.

Barry ran over to him, shooting at the crows, which flew away, but then came back for Barry, their eyes pale white and their bodies blood-soaked. Barry shot them down with his unnecessary large magnum.

He knelt down beside Forrest's dead deceased corpse. Barry picked up the huge grenade launcher Forrest just happened to be carrying with him. Barry loaded it, and then fired it insanely all over the place, destroying the trees in the forest, exploding walls of the mansion and firing up into the air watching it explode while shouting for joy.

"I can kill ANYTHING with this baby!" Barry shouted. He soon ran out of rounds, hunching his head and throwing the grenade launcher away as he walked back through the door into the mansion.

**

* * *

**

Ok, well that's it for now guys. Sorry that it took so long to post this chapter but I have been busy with school and stuff. It took way longer than it should have so I'm sorry. Anyway, I was sort of in a hurry to get the last couple of paragraphs down in a few hours so sorry if they're a bit rushed.  
Anyway, onto some good news, thanks to the Creative Writing course I'm undertaking with the Sunshine Coast University, me and a bunch of other people write a short story, and at the end of the course, they all get collaborated together and get published into a book. So I guess you could say in a few weeks I'll be a published author :D. I'm thinking of putting my short story up on , just replacing the names of the characters with Resident Evil characters so it can properly be called a fanfic. Just say so in a review or send me a message whether or not I should do this. Anyway, please review, I love reviews and the more I get, the more I'll be encouraged to write another chapter.

**-Biohazrd23.**


	4. Finding The Weird Keys

_**Fun at the Mansion  
a Resident Evil Parody  
by Biohazrd23**_

**Hey guys it's me again. Bringing you chapter 3 of my RE parody. I'll be uploading my short story like I said. Thanks for reviewing my previous chapters, the reviewers are the guys that encourage me to write more chapters. Ok, I'll start off with a few thankyous. I'd like to thank the following people for their reviews and encouragement. Without you guys, I would give up on this story.**

**drivenbyrevenge  
Resident Roach Code Metallica  
Biohazardous Fears  
xwittychickx  
Grusnoid  
boss-slayer  
Vampuric Spider  
Elliot007  
mcdoomburger  
FangedFrog – My first reviewer!**

**Ok, now that the thankyous are in order. Here's the third chapter of Fun at the Mansion, a Resident Evil parody.**

* * *

"Barry, I heard explosions, what the hell's goin' on?" Demanded Jill as she ran into Barry.

"Forrest is dead. I'm sorry Jill."

"Yeah I know. I came out here a while ago. Then what the hell were all the explosions?"

"I was bored, and there just happened to be a grenade launcher lying about."

"Barry! We could have used that grenade launcher to get the hell out of here!"

"I like crows."

"Oh for god's sake." Jill said, throwing her arms up in the air. She gave Barry a stupid look, and then stormed out of the room.

Barry followed her and told her to stop.

"Jill, wait, this hall is dangerous."

"Don't start on the retarded dialogue Barry. Or I swear to god I'll –"

"Whoa. You were almost a Jill san –"

Jill immediately threw her gun at him, it smacked into his forehead. Jill ran over to the now unconscious Barry Burton and stole his .44 magnum. She dropped her STARS issue handgun next to Barry's unconscious self. She stood up and walked away.

* * *

Rebecca stomped along the corridors, muttering to herself. She stormed around a corner and saw Jill stomping along the corridor towards her. As they got closer, Rebecca punched Jill in the face and kept stomping along. Jill stormed onwards, muttering to herself as well, while Rebecca entered a door and disappeared out of sight. Jill stormed into another door.

Jill trudged into a small room and her ears filled with the sound of gunfire.

BANG BANG!

"You wanna mess with me, bitch! Ill fucking kill you!" Chris Redfield yelled.

"Chris, what the fuck's going on!" screamed Jill.

"Damn wall, you're gonna be my bitch when I'm done with you!" Shouted Chris, firing more bullets into the wall which he attempted to bite earlier. Soon there were 8 bullet holes in the wall.

"Chris calm down! Why are you shooting the wall?"

"Fucking thing bit me!"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"It doesn't have to, I'm popular!" BANG BANG!

He pistol whipped and roundhouse kicked the wall. Then somehow snapped its neck.

"Let that be a warning to ya." Chris spat at the bottom of the wall before turning and walking away.

Jill stood there with the most ridiculous look on her face. Chris slapped her and walked out of the room by himself.

* * *

Barry trudged down the long eerie corridors of the mansion with a large welt on his forehead. He got out a baseball bat and started shouting.

"BORING, BORING, BORING!" He smashed a nearby desk lamp with the bat.

"BORING, BORING, BORING!" He shouted, striking a nearby zombie over the head.

"BORING, BORING, BORING!" Barry yet again yelled, smacking Wesker (who just happened to have been walking past at the time) in the face.

"Barry!" Shouted Wesker.

"Oh, everything's so bloody boring!"

"Barry, I have your wife and kids tied up. I will kill them if you don't do exactly as I say."

"I already tied them up before I left home." Barry said, in a sort of way suggesting that he does this every time he leaves his house.

"Oh. Well I tied them up again, and I'll kill them if you don't do what I tell you to do."

"No! Don't hurt her!"

"Yes... hahaha."

"Wait. You're my boss, I'm supposed to do what you say anyway."

"Shut up."

"You don't think your plans through very much do you?"

"Shut up."

"Well, what do you want me to do then?"

"OK, now there's a large heavy iron door at the back of the mansion that I need to get through to destroy some – rather incriminating evidence. Now the only way to get through that door is to find 4 keys. They're circular shaped, about as big as a teacup and they're scattered all over the mansion. I need your help to find them. And by 'your help', I mean, I'm gonna sit in the surveillance room while you run around risking your life. If you see Chris or Jill, tell them to find them as well. But don't tell them I've got your wife and daughters held hostage or I'll be forced to kill them."

"OK then." Barry tried to hold back his tears.

Wesker grinned. Then walked away, patting his head where he was walloped by Barry's random baseball bat swinging.

* * *

Richard Aiken sat sobbing, covered in his own blood and nursing a gigantic snake bite.

"Why won't anyone help me?" He said, shivering.

* * *

Chris confidently strolled down a hallway alone. He unequipped his handgun as a zombie came into view around the corner.

"Chuck Norris owns you bitch!" He exclaimed as he roundhouse kicked the zombie. The force of the kick shattered the zombie's neck.

"They see me strollin'. They hatin'."

* * *

Jill, meanwhile, was taking a leisurely stroll down the long winding halls of the Spencer estate.

"How the hell does someone live in a house that makes you place three gems in sockets, then flip switches in the right order, then find two keys, just to get into the bathroom door?" She thought to herself.

Rebecca walked around the corner in front of her.

"Rebecca, wait!"

"What the fuck do you want, Valentine?"

"I just saw Barry, I need to find circular keys to get into the back door."

"You mean these?" Rebecca pulled out all 4 keys and presented them to Jill.

"Yes! I need them."

"OK." Rebecca lifted them up and shoved them in Jill's mouth.

Rebecca stormed away, muttering to herself about people having no respect for her. After Jill pulled the keys from her mouth and wiped the saliva off them, she exclaimed.

"Damn, that girl needs to get laid. Big time."

* * *

Chris stood at the back door, wondering what needed to be done in order to pass through the door, when Jill suddenly appeared behind him.

"Chris, I've got the keys, we can get out of here and go home."

"But I like it here, the people are really friendly."

"Chris! Don't you realise these people are undead freaks?"

"They're really sensitive and you shouldn't be such a bully."

* * *

FLASHBACK to Chris having a girly tea party with 3 zombies.

"Ooh, I tell ya, I saw Gloria out at Dairy King today and she came out with an ice-cream and ooh girl she told me that she was having the Chocolate Whipped Fudge Double Cream, but I saw her with the Chocolate Whipped Cream Double Fudge! Ooh you just cannot trust that girl uh huh." Chris said.

* * *

FLASHFORWARD to present times.

"Uhh, sure Chris."

Jill walked up to the door, pushing Chris aside and inserting the four keys into their right spots. The large door cranked open.

"Oh, goddamit not another room!"

Yep, it was another room. They just scoured the entire mansion, risking their lives just so they could open another door to another room in the mansion.

"Well. Now what?"

"Whoa! What the hell is that!"

"Oh my god! It's a..."

(Cue dangerous music.)

**

* * *

**

Ooh, cliff-hangers, gotta love them. Of course for you Resident Evil fans, it isn't really a cliff-hanger for you guys since most of you should have played the first game and know what's gonna happen next anyway. OK so, there ya go, that was the latest chapter of Fun at the Mansion. Tell me what you think and get ready for the next chapter.

**-Biohazrd23.**


	5. Bling Bling

_Fun at the Mansion  
a Resident Evil parody  
by Biohazrd23_

**Why hello there people, this is Biohazrd23, bringing you another quirky chapter of Fun at the Mansion. I've uploaded that short story I told you guys about in a previous chapter, it's called Entombed and you can find it on my profile. Ok well, since I can't think of anything else to say, here is Chapter 4 of Fun at the Mansion.**

* * *

"Oh my god! It's ..." Gasped Chris Redfield.

BANG! BANG! Sounded Jill's firearm.

"Just another zombie, Chris. Goddamit it, it's not that interesting. Come on lets go, ya great useless thing."

"OOH LOOK! Stairs!" Squealed Chris. He then proceeded to run up them and jump off for no reason.

Jill grunted and somehow sighed at the same time, she walked past Chris, who was again, running up the small set of movable stairs and jumping off them again. He seemed oblivious to Jill's presence and shouted.

"To Narnia!" He exclaimed, just before smashing his head against a nearby shelf midair.

Jill face-palmed herself, then walked out of the door the other side of the room they went in.

She was outside, standing on moulding concrete, it was sort of a balcony, but ground level. A zombie, completely oblivious to her standing up ahead. Jill held up her gun and focused it on the zombies head. She breathed in and out slowly. Closed one eye and put her finger on the trigger, about to fire.

Rebecca stormed up behind Jill and punched her in the back of the head before she could pull the trigger.

"VALENTINE! I need some fucking herbs!"

The zombie, now realising that the STARS members were there, turned around and started shambling towards them.

Jill handed over her last green herb to Rebecca. Jill put her hand behind her head and feeling the blood oozing out of where 'becca falcon-punched her.

Rebecca then noticed the zombie headed towards her, she whipped out a grenade launcher and shot 3 explosive rounds at its chest. The zombie disappeared into thin air, blood showered down from the sky.

"Why does everyone here have grenade launchers?" Shouted Jill, in pain.

Rebecca walked off, leaving Jill to bleed to death.

Jill stood up and started walking away, clutching her stomach, even though she was hit in the head.

* * *

Barry pranced around the halls, skipping and singing.

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and GA-"

He stopped abruptly when he came across Richard Aiken, covered in his own blood and with two large snake bite holes. Barry leant down next to his body, examining his wounds.

"I hope this isn't Chris's blood." He said, dunking his fingers in Richard's blood and holding it up to his eyes.

Barry payed his last respects to his fallen teammate and walked off, singing.

"My humps, my humps my humps my humps! My lovely lady lumps."

* * *

After Jill finally found another green herb and healed herself, Chris stumbled up behind her, his body covered in bruises.

"Oh my god, Chris what happened?"

"Rebecca tripped me down the stairs."

"But why do u have so many bruises?"

"After she pushed me down the stairs, she threw me up again, and then pushed me down again. Then Wesker threw another fridge at me."

"You poor thing. Why is Rebecca such a bitch?"

"Well, you know what happens when you put an Oreo in your pocket for a few weeks?"

"Umm, no."

"Well yeah, she caught her boyfriend cheating on her."

"How does that have anything to do with an Oreo?"

"What the hell is an Oreo?"

Jill face-palmed herself yet again.

"Ok. Have you found anything of use?"

"Oh yeah, I found this triangular crank."

"That's a SQUARE crank, Chris."

"No, it's a triangle."

"No, Chris, look, the end has FOUR sides."

"Exactly, it's a triangle!"

"Now I see why people hurt you."

* * *

Wesker sat in the surveillance room in a big black leather office chair.

"Oh my god! Why is this so boring? That's it, I'm gonna release the Hunters early."

He leant over and pressed a big red button on the control panel.

Mechanical whirring was heard in the panel and 20 seconds later, a fresh cup of hot coffee appeared out of a circular hole.

"Oh damn. I forgot what button releases the Hunters. This is gonna take a while."

He rapidly pressed random buttons, hoping that one of them was the right one.

* * *

Barry Burton walked up a small flight of stairs and into a wooden door. He was in the attic, boxes scattered around and a giant hole in the wall at the back of the room.

He stared at a giant snakeskin and circled around it. He liked to 'investigate' things.

"Oh my god! I had no idea condoms came in this size!"

Barry checked out the huge hole in the wall. An enormous snake came rushing out of it, hissing and spitting at Barry.

"Handgun! I choose you!" Barry shouted, throwing his gun at the snake.

"I choose Bullet Fire!" The gun did nothing.

"It's not very effective!"

Barry threw his arms up in the air and ran away.

* * *

Back in the surveillance room, Wesker sat, frantically pressing random buttons.

About 20 coffee cups lay scattered on the floor. The machine kept spitting out coffee as Wesker swung his arms around repeatedly pressed buttons.

* * *

Jill stared awkwardly at the plant tentacle thing protruding from a hole in the floor.

"Yeah, I'm gonna ignore that."

She walked around it, making sure it didn't grab her.

She walked through a door and saw...

"OMGWTFBBQ Zombie bees!" Screamed Chris.

"Chris! Look out!" Jill yelled.

The bees darted around Jill and Chris's heads Chris got out his knife and swung wildly in the air. Jill noticed and immediately ran as far away as she could. Chris threw his arms all around the place swinging crazily at the bees, making schizophrenic ninja noises.

After all the bees were dead, Chris put away his knife and calmed down. He looked around at the numerous slashes in the walls from his knife. Jill walked over to him and told him it would be best if they split up. Chris agreed and went off in his own direction.

"I have no idea how that guy passed the psychiatric tests." Jill sighed.

* * *

FLASHBACK to STARS psychiatric testing area.

"Hmm..." Wesker thought, eyeing the STARS trainees. He looked over at Chris, who was making out with a wall.

"Well, if that one doesn't end up getting everyone else killed, he's bound to drive them to insanity. Chris Redfield, YOU'RE HIRED!"

* * *

FLASHFORWARD to present times.

Chris wandered down the dormitory corridors, acting like a gangster. He saw a candleholder sitting on a corner table. His eyes lit up with excitement.

"It's my bling-bling!" Chris squealed, he grabbed the candleholder and tied a string around it, then put it around his neck.

Chris saw a vase holding dead flowers.

"Bling!" he yelled, emptying out the dead flowers, puncturing a hole in the side and inserting string into it, he then put the vase around his neck and walked onward.

* * *

Jill wandered around aimlessly. Mindlessly killing zombies as she goes past them ,without a care in the world.

Chris appeared around a corner in front of her. Around his neck were 3 candleholders, 2 vases, 2 paintings, 4 lamps, 9 doorknobs and 5 dead snakes.

"Chris, what the hell is all that junk around your neck?"

"It's my bling bling."

Jill rolled her eyes.

"I think it would be safer for you if you come with me." Jill said.

"Okay Jilly Willy."

"I get enough of that crap from Wesker. Don't test me."

Chris struck a gangster pose, and then walked off side by side with Jill.

**

* * *

**

So yeah, that was chapter 4, hope you guys liked it, please review and tell me what you think.

**-Biohazrd23**


	6. Traitor

_Fun at the Mansion  
a Resident Evil Parody  
Chapter 5  
by Biohazrd23_

**Hey guys, looks like this story has gotten good reviews so far so I'm gonna keep goin with it. I've figured out a review system I think we can all agree on. Depending on how many reviews I get for each chapter is how often I update!**

**1-4 reviews: 1 month to upload.  
5-9 reviews: 2-4 weeks to upload.  
10+ reviews: 2 weeks to upload.**

**Enjoy and don't forget to review!**

* * *

"Yo dawg, I just went all the way through this just to get this crappy key, now you're telling me I have to go all the way back just to get a book? Yo that is all whacked out dawg." Said Chris, to himself as Jill rolled her eyes.

"You know, even after spending three hours in this mansion already, these lame puzzles still piss me off." Jill exclaimed.

"Oh check out this gangster bro!"

Jill sighed and pummelled the zombie in front of her with 3 bullets to the face.

They walked into one of the many dorm rooms and saw 2 cabinets right behind each other, blocking something out of view.

"Let's move it."

Chris, obviously being the strongest, roundhouse kicked the cabinets, they shattered into a huge pile of wood chips and behind them was a square in the floor, big enough to fit a human. A ladder led down through it.

Chris peeked down the gaping hole in the floor.

"I think I'll call it a Jilly hole." He said.

Jill hit the back of his legs hard with the butt of her shotgun, Chris immediately collapsed and fell down the floor in a hilarious manner.

Jill climbed down the ladder following him. At the bottom of the ladder was Chris in a mangled heap on the floor.

She knelt down beside him. He wasn't dead. Jill stood up and lazily dropped a green herb next to the Chris-pile, she then walked off.

* * *

Covered in boiling hot coffee, Albert Wesker finally located the right button. He pressed it dramatically, smiling in a very evil manner.

"Now we'll see just how strong these people really are. Oh god I am so lonely."

He leaned over and picked up a razor blade from his desk.

Wesker pressed it to his skin and a tear ran down his face, before he came to a sudden realisation.

"Oh that's right... I can't bleed. GODFUCKINGDAMMIT!"

He angrily threw the razor at the control panel. It hit a random button and boiling hot coffee immediately squirted out at his face again.

* * *

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, damn right. Its better then Rebecca's, damn right." Sung Barry Burton merrily as he trundled through the courtyard.

He stopped when he heard rustling in the trees above his head. Barry cautiously looked up just as a snake dropped down towards his face.

Screaming like the little bitch he is, Barry ran away. Down the ladder, through the waterfall and falling down the concealed square manhole behind the waterfall, landing flat on his face.

Barry picked himself up and dusted himself off. He hobbled on with a slight limp in his step.

The slimy walls and floor oozed with disgusting liquid that looked like faeces. Barry leaned to take a closer look at the wall.

"I hope this isn't Chris's blood."

All of a sudden, huge talons clawed at his face from out of nowhere. Barry whipped out his over-sized magnum and fired at the hideous creature.

The Hunter was dropped in seconds, and fell to the slimy ground with a splash that coated Barry's face in the disgusting material covering the walls.

"I hope this isn't Chris's..."

"Oh my god, shut the fuck up!" Interrupted Chris Redfield, who appeared out of nowhere.

* * *

Jill strolled down the concrete hall. She came across a steel door and entered it. The room was blank, except for a small syringe on a shiny steel table.

She examined it. In tiny writing, the words, 'Excella Gionne's Happy Serum' was labelled on the syringe.

Jill eyes lit up as she got a great idea.

Rebecca stomped the wooden floors as she walked through the dormitory/cabin. Jill stepped out from the shadows behind Rebecca, held the needle of the syringe up and forced it into Rebecca's neck. Rebecca spun around and attempted to strike Jill with her fist, but was too weak. Jill pulled the syringe out and stepped back.

She saw Rebecca's pupils enlarge and an enormous smile covered Rebecca's face.

"Jill!" Rebecca screamed, "I love these... walls... just so much right now..."

Rebecca then proceeded to make out with a nearby wall. Jill couldn't help but laugh.

"You... are just the best... person... ever! You know, Jill? You... You are just so... hahaha... I just love you... so much right now." Rebecca continued drunkenly.

Jill walked off, unable to stifle her laughter.

* * *

Chris walked side by side with Barry; both of them were singing the Friends theme song.

"I'll be there for you!" They both sang at the same time.

They walked around a corner and saw the dying body of STARS Bravo team member, Enrico Marini. Barry and Chris stopped dead in their tracks with shock, before running over and seeing of their injured team member was OK.

"Enrico! Enrico talk to me!" Barry demanded.

"Ba...Barry?" Enrico responded in pain.

"What happened?"

"Those... creatures. They attacked us... we couldn't make it. All of Bravo team... dead."

"Rebecca still made it, come on we gotta get you out of here."

"No... I can't move. Barry... there's a traitor... in STARS."

"What? What are you talking about? Who's a traitor?"

"He's been working for umbrella... He caused this..."

"Who, Enrico?"

"Ca.."

All of a sudden a bullet ripped through the air and plunged into Enrico's chest. He leaned forward and hung his head and stopped breathing.

"Chris get them!" Chris immediately sprinted towards where the bullet came from, but the culprit disappeared.

"Enrico! Enrico!" Shouted Barry, shaking Enrico's body violently.

Barry let go of Enrico, payed his final respects and ran off after Chris.

* * *

Rebecca stumbled along, bumping into things and tripping over her own feet, laughing all the way.

She stopped once she came across a zombie.

"Oh hey..." She said, then began making out with the zombie.

**

* * *

**

OK, I know it's a really short chapter, but I know you guys have had to wait a long time for it and I was going to write it longer, but that would require you waiting a lot longer. Anyway, I hope you like it.

-Biohazrd23


	7. The Rest Of The Animal Kingdom

**_Fun at the Mansion_**

A Resident Evil parody

By Biohazrd23

Chapter 6

**A/N:  
What's up people, it is I, Biohazrd23! I was recently reading through the early chapters and I made a discovery while reading the Prologue. It sucked! So I rewrote most of it and re-uploaded it to Fanfiction. Hey, give me a break it was my first ever chapter I wrote of my first ever Fanfic. Wow, looking back it's been well over six months now since I wrote chapter 5. So, sorry for the long wait but I've been busy with school, other Fanfics and just life in general. **

**Do yourself a favour and read Drivenbyrevenge's Fanfics, they're awesome and don't forget to review this chapter before you go.**

**-Biohazrd23**

Barry Burton had always resembled Chuck Norris, and the day that Chris jokingly told him that, Barry had repeatedly tried to look as much as Norris as possible. Of course, Barry being considerably old, these attempts at mimicking his appearance all ended in hilarity and failure. But now, as he stood in front of the zombie, no ammo or weapons. He knew that deep down inside him, was the power to perform the biggest and most explosive roundhouse kick ever known to man.

Barry braced himself, took a deep breath and leapt up in the air ferociously swinging his leg around and towards the zombies head.

The zombie didn't see it coming, it's head immediately exploded in a burst of gore and rotten flesh. The lifeless body dropping to the floor tremendously.

'Yeah!' Barry shouted with joy.

Barry cheered and thrust his clenched fist into the air.

'Told ya you could do it, old man.' Chris spoke, bemused and bored, standing next to Barry.

'Can I have my weapons back now?' Barry asked.

'Pffht, hell no."'

'Hey, I am your superior.'

'Oh, alright. Here, you can have this,' Said Chris, handing Barry a single 9mm bullet, 'see ya.'

Chris walked off, leaving Barry to survive on his own.

* * *

Jill reached the end of the concrete halls. She came to a door half-submerged in water.

'Well this looks weird enough to be life-threatening. But from what I've learnt so far, the only way to move on is to risk my life. Might as well get it over with, there's probably some sort of key in here that I'm supposed to get anyway.'

Jill sighed with frustration, and then proceeded into the water. It smelled like fish.

The large metallic doors opened up to reveal a massive circular room with an enormous fish tank in the middle. The room was flooded with strange-smelling water. Thick and sturdy walking platforms surrounded the tank.

There was something in the water.

Jill could see it darting around the room. She looked at the tank, it had a massive puncture in it.

Suddenly, an enormous figure leapt out of the water and towards Jill. She acted fast, leaping out of the way before turning back and seeing a massive grey shark swimming away.

Jill panicked and ran as fast as she could towards the door at the door at the other end of the room. She burst through it to reveal another flooded room with several large control panels and a large table in the middle. The roots of what looked like a massive plant hanging from the ceiling and touching the water.

She slammed the door shut moments before the huge shark crashed into it.

She slowly walked up to the huge root hanging from a large gaping hole in the ceiling. It almost looked like it had a heartbeat and a fine mist surrounded it. Several thick tentacle-like vines hung down and slowly swayed back and forth and some hung down and dipped into the water.

As Jill approached, the vines sprung to life and threw themselves at her, wrapping themselves around her and constricting her. She was pulled violently up the opening in the roof before getting knocked out by the noxious gas the plant released into the air.

* * *

Rebecca Chambers stumbled through the corridors of the dormitory, crashing into everything and making out with various things she saw. After kissing several zombies and leaving them speechless, she came across the hidden path behind the waterfall, and staggered into a massive room covered in cobwebs.

She fell to the floor and was rolling around rubbing the web onto herself, laughing.

'They should make clothes out of this stuff!' She bellowed with delight.

From behind her, a spider the size of a car emerged from a dark hole. It crawled slowly towards Rebecca, she was completely oblivious to its presence. Rebecca was too busy rolling all over the floor wrapping herself in the web.

Albert Wesker ran around the corner and saw Rebecca being approached by the enormous spider.

Weskers face lit up with glee and he started cheering the spider on.

'Yes, finally! Take that Rebecca, I've always hated you the most you stuck-up bitch!' He shouted.

The spider immediately became aware of Weskers company, and it started advancing towards him.

'Hmm. Damn it.' Wesker said to himself.

Wesker lunged at the spider and flipped over its back. He quickly whipped out his Magnum and fired at the spider, two shots hitting it in its eyes.

He sprinted away, hoping it would finish Rebecca off.

* * *

'Spencer,' Wesker spoke to the voice on the other end of the transceiver, 'yes. Yes I know you miss your wife I don't care. Now, there's a door here. Yeah. Aaand there's not really a doorknob, there's just sort of a square-ish hole. Am -am I supposed to... put somethin' into that or...'

Wesker stood in the hall, gun in one hand, transceiver in another. A zombie peered around the corner and was immediately shot in the face.

'Yeah but I just went to the library,' Wesker continued, 'Oh. So... So I was supposed to put the gold emblem in the GOLD indentation. Oh? And the silver one in the silver one? Oh... Now I see. Okay well... where... is... Where do I get the eagle crest? In the book? Ok. Now you're gonna have to tell me where the hell that book is. Oh. Of course it's behind a wall. And I have to get the hexagonal crank? Well I've already got the square cra-'

On the other side of the transceiver, Oswell E. Spencer sat alone, trying to explain the situation.

'Look, Wesker just check your map.' He said.

'I did and it says there is a room behind this wall. So.. ya know whats with that?'

'You gotta get the hexagonal crank.'

'I already got a crank but it won't fit in the...crank...hole.'

'Yeah, is it square?'

'It's a fucking crank!'

'Does it have a square notch at the end?'

'Yes.'

'Then it's the square crank, idiot!'

'Well what the hell do I do with a square crank?'

'It goes in the square crank-hole.'

'Well what goes in THIS crank-hole?'

'The HEXAGONAL crank.'

'There's a friggin heaxagonal crank?'

'Yeah, of course.'

'Goddamit Spencer...'

'What?'

'Nevermind I'll figure it out myself.'

'I've got the walkthrough here if you-'

'NO! No, I couldn't possibly.

'Alright, but you know if theres anything-'

'NO! No, I'll be fine.'

Wesker hung up immediately and threw the transceiver against the nearest wall.

'Aww screw it! I'll just go chill in the security room for five hours.'

* * *

'Jilly!'

Valentine noticed the high-pitched, irritating voice of Chris Redfield almost immediately. Waking her up from unconsciousness.

Jill felt drowsy and all her senses were blurred as she rose from the rotted wooden floor. Chris lay next to her.

'If only this weren't the first time you woke up next to me huh!' He said.

'Don't remind me.'

'Hey Jill, remember that time you-'

'You reminded me.'

Jill stood and looked around the room. Hanging from, and covering the ceiling, an enormous monstrous bulb, oozing strange green liquid and sprouting large, tentacle-like vines covering the walls and dangling down into the gaping hole in the floorboards, leading into the flooded conference room Jill had been in moments before.

'Woah! That is almost the most weed I've seen in my life!'

'Almost, Chris?'

'Well this one time, me and my buddy Keith-'

'I don't want to know Chris. I just don't. Goddamit let's just get out of here.'

The pair equipped their handguns and headed to the door. In the corner of her eye, Jill was startled by a sudden slight movement by one of the vines. She spun and fell back in shock. Chris spun too and aimed his gun.

The bulb of the enormous plant had started beating like a demonic heart, and the vines sprawled across the walls arose and whipped around and through the air maniacally. Chris and Jill both fired into the bulbous pod hanging from the roof as the vines flew towards them, wrapping themselves around the pair and throwing them to the adjacent wall. They hit with great force, their guns flying off in a different direction.

As if the bulb itself had turned and faced them, the vines followed and in seconds, every vine in the room was heading for them, along the walls, creepy up from the cracks in the floorboards and slinking across the ceiling. The pair froze in fear, pushing themselves against the wall in a hopeless attempt the further themselves from the incoming vines.

Jill had felt a vine creep around her shoe and suddenly gripping her leg and violently yanking her forward. She felt more and more vines wrapping her body, encasing her in the slimy appendages.

Chris reacted and sprinted to his handgun, lying discarded on the floor. He dolphin-dived and grabbed it, unloading the full magazine into the gargantuan bulb. It caused only minor damage. Chris went to grab an extra clip from his waist, when he was grabbed by the foot by a vine, it pulled him and slid him across the floor with great force.

Reaching for his waist, he pulled a grenade from its clip. Chris pulled the pin. Held it for a moment, then threw it at the bulb. The grenade exploded mid-air, causing parts of the wooden ceiling to shatter and knocking the bulb like a punching bag. Vines fell and green oozy liquid exploded from the bulb, smearing the walls. The vines enclosing Jill let go, and she fell to the ground, landing on a pile of thick, dead vines.

Chris leapt and ran to Jill, grabbing her and running to the door, just as the mammoth bulb came crashing down, shattering the floorboards and falling into the conference room below. With a great splash it had stopped moving and the vines were now like thick piles of green rope, motionless.

Jill grabbed her gun from the floor and walked to the great door with Chris.

It opened and they both moved on with their objective.

* * *

'Ok, So... Spencer? You there?' Wesker asked, standing next to a grand piano and waiting for Spencer to answer.

'Ok, so I've got the crest from the dining room and I'm ready to change it for the other one. Now, my map says there's a room on the other side of a wall here but there's no entrance, so uhh, what do I do?' Asked Wesker.

'Oh, so I've gotta get the sheet of music from the bookshelf, I'm at the piano, what do I do now?'

He paused, listening intently to Spencer's voice.

'NO I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PLAY MOONLIGHT SONATA!'

* * *

**A/N:  
**

**Hey 'sup guys, it's been a while, yes I know ok? I am aware of the passage of time and I'm sorry I couldn't get it done earlier, but I took a massive holiday from writing and frankly I felt I needed it. What? You guys wouldn't know crap!**

**Anyway, thanks for reading and putting up with the long wait, I... don't care. **

**Either way, please review, tell me what ya think, message me if you like, they're cool too.**

**Oh by the way, I am a beta-reader now, go check it out it's in my FF profile, so, any of you keen writers out there need a second opinion on your work before you publish it, come straight to me I'll sort you out.**


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